Alpas

The Ocean

You know the feeling of being in the ocean, and as you see a wave approach you brace yourself to either allow the wave to carry you over, or you force yourself to drive into the wave head on and experience the impact of the water crashing against your face? Ok, now imagine the feeling of the undertow that wave brings as the rest of the water rushes back out to sea. Do you have that feeling in mind? Good. That is the feeling of the anxiety washing over your body. You fight and you struggle to hold yourself in place, but you eventually feel yourself being pulled further and further out which then leads you to the struggle of getting back to shore before things get too far. That particular description illustrates the staggering hold anxiety can have over one’s life.

A Cliché

I am a female from a middle class family who has lived in the same house for basicall my entire 21 years of life. I have a mother and father who both love each-other very much and are still happily together after 23 years. I have a younger brother who gets on my nerves, but I wouldn’t want anyone else to take his place as well as a 4-year-old yellow lab who can be described as a “loyal hound”. Both sets of grandparents have been together for over 50 years and all live within five minutes of my house. As you can see, a lack of love and care is not the issue. I attended a wonderful school district with teachers that fostered acceptance and creativity where I had the wonderful experience of being on basketball and field hockey teams my entire athletic career. I am fortunate enough to have had the same best friends since elementary and have the wonderful opportunity of getting a college education at a university that for the most part, my parents can afford. After telling you all of that, would you really believe me if I said I had a type of anxiety known as Panic Disorder? Probably not.

The Setting

To set the stage, it is my junior year of high school. To be honest, when they say junior year will more than likely be the hardest year of your high school career, they are not messing around. Whether you are the best student in your school, there is going to be copious amounts of stress that entail from college applications, extra curriculars, a social life, and trying to get your life together. I had always been a good student, and evidently, academics came easy to me. I rarely had to study (unless it was math) and more times than not, I enjoyed soaking in all of the knowledge my teachers were giving me. I participated in discussions, I met with my teachers after class to clarify the topics we were learning, and I would go home and do my homework without any thought of procrastination (for the most part). Eventually, things started to change. With the thought of college lingering in front of me on a daily basis, I knew I was going to have to start making difficult decisions, especially because I wanted to make my parents proud of the accomplishment of getting into a good school and further my education since neither of them had done so. With that pressure in my life, I started to not enjoy school as much anymore. I no longer facilitated class discussion like I had in the past, I stonewalled my teachers, and procrastination became my best friend (which may I say made the pressure so much worse). My grades were still decent but there was a lack of caring put into my assignments because with that lack of caring came a lack of stress. I believed that if I did not set high expectations of myself, then the let-down of not doing so well would not affect me as much as it did before. I had this bout of sickness inside of me each day that made me nauseous for no apparent reason. What made it worse was instead of pulling away from friends and family, I would put on a brave face and suppress these feelings for no one to see which made them worse and allowed for my secret to go on way longer than I would have wished it to go. It almost became like a game to me which helped me to cope with the pain I was feeling. I was in a way saying, “well, let’s see if we can make it throughout the day without letting anyone see you have a panic attack”. To this day, if I didn’t notice my body transformation, I would probably still be hiding this dark secret from all of my loved ones.

The Weight Loss

I have never been a petite girl, it’s just not in my genetics. My dad is 6’4” and my mom 5’8”, leaving no choice but for me to be taller than the average girl. With that height came a proper weight that I held basically throughout high school, 150lbs. Along with the nausea came a loss of appetite as well, and for those who know me, know food is probably my favorite thing in the entire world. Growing up I was taught to enjoy food and realized that food is what brought friends and family together during large celebrations. I noticed that with that lack of appetite, came a lack of energy as well as feeling lighterin my body. It was one morning where that lack of energy was so severe, I stepped on the scale to see a number I hadn’t seen since maybe elementary school, 125. After seeing that number, I remember tears burning at the back of my eyes, because I knew that number wasn’t one to be proud of. That’s when I knew, it was time to share my secret because living this way was out right hell.

The Secrets Out

There were many times when I had thought about sharing my overwhelming anxiety with people who were close to me but frankly, I was embarrassed. Living such a fortunate life led me to believe that I did not deserve to share my emotions and that I had no right to complain about something so minor when there are people out there struggling with “real life” stuff. It was a Saturday morning and it was beautiful and sunny, and the birds were chirping, and I was getting ready for a basketball game. As I was eating, with a lack of appetite, I broke down in tears and cried to my mom about how I had been feeling. I explained to her the pain that had been eating away my insides, the intense feeling of the anxiety itching at my fingertips, the constant trips to the bathroom in fear that my daily panic attacks would lead to me getting sick. It was not an easy conversation to have. In fact, I remember sitting there with her, both of us just crying because we knew we were both hurting. I was hurting from keeping this secret from her, and she was hurting for not noticing my pain. Her and my dad gave me instant support, which helped lead me to a road of recovery I will forever be grateful for.

Alpas

For the longest time, I wasn’t sure how my life was going to unfold. With the fear in my eyes each day, it was an unsure road that I could never get control of. That was until with the help of my family, friends, doctors, and therapy, I am living a much happier life that I always intend to live.

Alpas– to break look or be free of something. I never thought one word would be so instrumental in coping with my panic disorder. Throughout therapy, I talked a lot about holding on to certain things, and how not having control leads to me feel vulnerable. A large

focus in each session was about letting go of the past and breaking free of the deamons inside of you and that is where alpascame into play. With that word engrained in my mind, I decided to have it tattooed on my body for proof that every day is a fight. That’s the one thing about anxiety. I was born with it hardwired in my system, to be a part of me forever.Each day is a struggle for me, but what keeps me going is the fact that this is something I am not going to get rid of, and my parents from a young age taught me to be a fighter, because this beautiful world has so much to offer and why would you want to miss out on that?

The Ocean

I used the metaphor of the undertow to relate to the feeling of the hold anxiety has over your body. You can either start your journey by letting the wave carry you, or you can dive right

into it and face it head on. And once you face that wave head on, you will at least be able to place yourself in a situation that better defends the undertow which will then allow you have that little bit of control you have been craving.